Lily Bug

Just wanted to share a picture of my Lily Bug.  She's getting so big.  She will be 9 months old on Thursday.  She's exploring new foods, army crawling, sleeping through the night, babbling, laughing, jumping, and pulling up.  We are starting to plan her birthday party.  And I'm ready to start some new traditions.  This little girl makes me want to change so much in a positive way.  I want to be able to run and play with her.  I guess we'll be learning together.

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Since I told my new friend about my blog I figured I should post.  I haven't had much to say lately but I've been going through a lot of emotions.  I've been sad and mad about who and I am.  I have in my heart and in my mind who I want to be but it's like I'm stuck in quicksand and when ever I try to get out I slip in deeper.  Money has been a big deal for us lately.  With being out of work for my gallbladder and having the kids for the summer we got off track and we are having a hard time getting back on track.  It's expensive to eat healthy.  Some people would disagree with me but when you're the only one dieting in the house it is.  So portion control is what I'm working on.  With the weather getting cooler I hope to start walking and maybe my husband will even join me. 

Failure

Lately I've felt like a failure in many aspect of my life.  Home, family, health, self.  Today is one of those days I don't feel good about myself or the life I live.  The sad this is I don't have the drive to change it.  I just want to run away from it all.  I feel like I'm the only one that can change it and I don't want to have to do it by myself.  Somethings I don't want to do at all but noone else will step to the plate. 

Beauty

"You're beautiful."  Something I rarely heard growing up.  When we would go swimming at the babysitters when I was younger and I would be called a hippo.  I never felt like the girl all the guys were looking at.  I had skinny "beautiful" friends who always had boyfriends.  I was tired of fishing for compliments and not catching any. 

One day I sat on my bed in front of a mirror and made myself find something about my appearance that I liked.  What I found was my ears.  Not my eyes, or my smile, my butt, or my calves.  Well guess what.  I don't like my ears anymore.  But I really do love the rest of me.  I read this book "The Fat Girls Guide To Life" and it really seemed to help me.  What it taught me was just because you're not the ideal weight doesn't mean you are unhealthily or ugly.  Fat is just a word just like skinny.  It describes how I look but not who I am.  There are days that I don't feel pretty or I get depressed I cant fit in a pair of jeans but I am beautiful.  There aren't many girls in this world size 2 or 22 that say they are beautiful.  When I was able to call myself beautiful I found I was happier.  

Do you think you are beautiful? 

I love pointing my toes

I was a dance for 13 years when I was growing up.  I loved it.  I still love it.  I still dance in my kitchen when no one is watching.  I figured barre work would be a good exercise.  I think I'll go home and dig out my ballet shoes.  I have a Target gift card maybe I'll go buy me some workout clothes.  Ballet wasn't my favorite, tap was.  One of my goals is to take a tap class.  One of these days.  Maybe I'll dance beside my daughter one day and make her as proud as she makes me.

What are Burpees??

I'm not going to pretend yesterday was a good day.  It wasn't, it involved soda and candy.  But today is a new day and I'm not going to quit.  I logged everything I ate as much as it killed me to admit it.  I still don't know how much I am ready to commit to this.  I think logging is a good first step.  Some of the moms in my birth group are only eating 1200 calories a day.  I'm struggling with 2400.  This weekend I'm putting some healthy food in the house.  I'm going to try to make breakfast every morning to save some money.  Today hopfully I'll get to walk with Mary.  If it's not raining I'll walk alone.  I have this workout chart of my phone screen so I might try to do it tonight.  I'm kinda afraid to jump in the house though.  Maybe I'll take my daughter outside.  She might think I'm funny doing jumping jacks.  Pushups , I've never been able to do one.  Maybe I'll do some wall pushups.  I'm not sure what Burpees are.  I might have to look that up and I'm sure 3-5 times is not going to happen.  I'll do a week of doing it once a day and week 2 I'll do 2.  Work myself up to it. 

Day 3

When I woke up Monday moring I didn't plan on starting a diet of any kind.  So I guess I"m easing myself into it.  I'm using MyFitnessPal.com (annalisa2662) and logging what I eat.  It's making me think about what I eat.  I try to put every little thing that goes in my mouth on there.  This morning I had 2 jelly biscuts.  Well after adding them to my log I realize they were much higher in calories then I thought so next time it's just 1.  I did stock up on some snacks for today.  A yougurt, cereal, and cheese sticks.  I'm going to a baseball game tonight and will be doing some more walking then I usually do.  Cheering burns calories right?  Up, down, up, down, cheer?!?!  I have a friend that lives really close and were were going to walk last night but she hgot home late from running errands.  We were going to do it tonight but I have the game.  One of these days.  She's getting married soon and we both have a baby so we'll be the neighborhood stroller pushers.  Here's to a good day 3.  I think I have everything I need to make it a good day.