4 lbs!

So the 18th day of January and I've lost 4 lbs. Now I have to be honest I'm not jumping up and down about this, My current weight is 356. My weight keeps fluctuating. But I'm happy I'm not going over 360. As I was relaxing this evening a few things crossed my mind. What can I do to motivate myself? Should I give myself an ultimatum? What if I had no choice, would I be able to lose the weight I had to? In my heart I really wan to lose weight so I know I can do it with the right tools. I just have to realize it's not going to happen overnight. One day I would love to have a son or daughter with Michael. But I don't want to look like this. I want to be active, I want to be healthy, I want my child to be healthy. So this journey is hard. It's hard because I keep giving up on myself. It's like I'm two different people. The Healthy Mom inside of me is yelling at me to get my butt in gear and I'm falling to the floor in tears. It's like my own episode of The Biggest Loser in my head. I want my husband and I to be happy with our sex life. I want him to show me off. I want to wear heals!! I just need to keep having this conversation with myself and sooner or later the Healthy Mom inside me will win.

Dance

Oh how I miss dancing. I must have been 16 in this picture. I hated my body then and I hate it even more now. I remember hating that my stomach showed. I was the biggest girl in the class. The only good out come was that 99% of all my dance pictures turned out good. I was very photogenic. This is what I want. I want to be tones and have my tight butt again. I know I will never be as skinny as some of those girls in my class but I would be comfortable with this. I would be comfortable dancing again. I believe in fate and when Beth began to work with me it made me realize how much I miss and love dance. So one day I will dance again and look beautiful doing it.

New Year

So I've been working towards a better me. I haven't been blogging but I have been trying. I was able to maintain my weight through the holidays which is an amazing feet for me. I just spoke on the phone with my friend Mindy from Lake Ozark and as always she has motivated me. So tomorrow I will ask Beth at work to write me a bar work routine. Susanna would like me to do Zumba with her but I am afraid I might pass out. I would like to find a swimming class though. I have so many tools at home to use for my weight loss I just need to use the. I have an exercise ball, resistance bands, and an elliptical. So once the Christmas tree comes down it's going up.

The Amazing Race

355.1 lbs

Starting a program at work called the Amazing Race. For every 15 mins of activity we earn a mile. There are different prizes along the way and were headed to Kansas City.

Take 54

Who knows how many times I've tried to diet. But I'm trying again. My husband is trying to quit smoking again. I started a WellWalk and Well Weight program at work. Hopfully with the evening cooler for walking and a health coach I can stay on track. I weighted in at 356.2 today. Not my highest weight so I'm glad I haven't been gaining a lot. So I'm trying again.

sick :(

So I haven’t been doing anything good for myself lately. My stomach hurts and I feel nauseous all the time. I don’t know if I’m pregnant (doubt it) or if it’s because I have been eating bad. Part of me wants to be pregnant I think about it everyday. But then again that means money and doctors.

OK Kids

Well my stressful week is over. I'm sure I didn't lose any weight this week. I lost 1 lb last week. I haven't been doing what I should. Mike is home every night now so once the rain is over I'm going to try walking every night again. I did drink some soda too. Shame on me. But I want to do better. It's so hard sometimes. But who am I kidding it's not supposed to be easy. It was easy to get fat it's not going to be easy to lose weight. I was looking at old pictures yesterday and I was so cute. If I could get to were I was 5 years ago I would be happy. I just have to keep moving. Talk to people that encourage me and keep my eye on the prize.